I’ve dreamt of being in my twenties. I’ve heard great stories from my older siblings while I was growing up – I’m not sure of the credibility of those stories, as I am the youngest one in the family; they could be making all of these things up and I would still believe them.
But the statement still stands, I dreamt of all the adventures I would go on in my twenties. Although, here I am, in the early stages of my twenties, and I could not be more scared.
I think it’s always the same per stage of your life. When you’re a kid, you cannot wait to be a teenager; going on all those adventures, like the ones you see in the movies. Then you reach your teenage years, and nothing happens – so you wait for your twenties because hopefully by then you have everything all figured out and you’re set off for your actual big adventure – again like the ones in the movies.
What happens when you reach your twenties, and you have nothing figured you out, and all you do is stay in your room and cry over the fact your favourite television show got cancelled or got taken off your favourite streaming site? Hang on a minute, this is not what I was expecting. I was expecting cool stories to NOT share at the dining table with my parents.
Instead I’m here wallowing in the never ending doom that is my life. Did my siblings lie to me? Honestly, I don’t think they did. Maybe they’re just more adventurous than I am, or they’re not as shy, introverted, and socially awkward as I am – oh and maybe they weren’t living their early twenties during a pandemic.
How do you make the most out of your early twenties when all you can do is stay inside your house? Oh, were you waiting for an answer? Because I don’t have one.
Most of my friends, go play video games with random people, and make new friends via said video games and hang out over at Discord, the best virtual hangout place you could have during this time. Listen to music, hangout, watch movies, do friend things – just online this time, and then hope that by tomorrow you can finally go out and do the real thing. Repeat.
But the problem is even over the internet I am shy, introverted, and socially awkward! I never know how to start the conversation, and when I do, I feel weird because I feel that they feel I’m weird. Also, I suck at that video game everyone is talking about! If you know, you know. So now, I’m just stuck.
I turn twenty-two this year – in two months, and I’m scared. I’m scared I’m not making the most out of my life. I have no great stories to tell yet. People may say that I’m still young and I have my whole life ahead of me.
But honestly, I feel like I just breezed through my teenage years to now, with nothing but a mental illness. What if it keeps going that way forever? People are living their lives the best they can, and I feel like I’m not. I tried.
Taylor Swift once said, “We’re happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time” but in her song “22” she sounded like she was having the time of her life. Though, I do agree, I do feel “Happy, (not so) free, confused, and lonely” just not in the best way.
WIth all that said, I am still one hopeful person. I’m still hopeful that everything will turn around and I will finally have my big adventure–just like the ones in the movies.
Happy New Year, and I hope you’re feeling ‘22 (in the best way).
Words by Dani Dimaano // Follow her on Instagram
